I’ve been working through a lot of things over the last several months. I thought back to my blog here and remembered how much I enjoyed writing, how therapeutic it has been for me when I take the time to do so. In that vein, I’m going to write about something that I am working through. This is for me and anyone else who might draw something positive from it.
I realized several months ago that I have a negative view of myself. Well, back up, I knew that. This new revelation was something I had never put together as a piece of my dislike of myself. You see, years ago at the ripe old age of 20 when I had the accident that led to me to being “One Armed Mike”. I faced it head on and, for the most part, didn’t let it get me down. I decided early on that I would not let losing an arm define me. As a matter of fact, I shocked the surgeon who met me on the roof of the University of Michigan hospital where I was flown by helicopter. He told me about it in the days following my surgery. As I remember it, he told me “Mike, I’m going to be honest with you, there is a 95% chance that you are coming out of this with one arm, it’s bad.” My response was simply, “let’s do it.” He said he never had anyone react in that way. I share this not because I’m special, I share it because it shows from the beginning I was not going to let this beat me. And for years, I had led my life in this way. Sure, I had my ups and downs, but it did not define me or keep from having a pretty damn good life. Or so I thought.
One thing that should have tipped me off that something needed to be examined was the fact that any time I was in a picture, I did whatever I could to “hide”, angle just right, or not show my missing arm. If you know me, you know this. Any time I’m in a picture with someone, I request to be on the right so my “arm” is hidden. It wasn’t until last year that, when I was working on some of my other issues, I realized something very profound and it rocked me. I didn’t like myself… like seriously did not like me. There are a few reasons for this, the shocker to me was that my arm was a BIG reason for it! I had lived in this situation for almost 31 years when I had this epiphany. I had been telling myself all these years that my arm, or lack thereof, was actually a source of STRENGTH! I mean look at me, I lift my own trucks, do all my own yardwork and maintenance, I’ll outwork almost anyone physically. Hell, I was once paraded in front of all the grocery sackers by a manager telling all the others that I was the best/fastest, yeah, that punk with one arm! And here I am realizing how wrong I had it. My lack of an arm is actually dragging me down, affecting who I am and how I interact with and treat others. It also had an impact on a very precious relationship.
I finally admitted to myself that I am repulsed when I see a picture of myself and my “arm” is noticeable. When I sat with it, I felt the disdain… the hate. Damn. No wonder over the years I have found myself going to dark places and living with depression. It also explains in part why my self-worth and self-confidence is so low, though they have been all my life, this has amplified it.
Books, podcasts, Instagram self-help posts (hate saying it, but it’s true), among other things have given me knowledge and tools to implement change. One of the best ways for me to work through my shit and implement change is to get outside and be one with nature, go hiking, go camping, get “lost” in a forest or on the side of a mountain. I have been doing a LOT of that the past few months. I have found that having a conversation with myself, not just in my head, but out loud helps me work through things (my therapist didn’t think I was crazy 😜).
It has been through several of these conversations with myself about self-love, self-limiting beliefs, taking responsibility, and recognizing all that I have to be grateful for that my negative feelings about myself are softening. Am I ok with my situation now? Can I look at a picture of myself without negative feelings? Not just yet, but I’m in a MUCH better place than I was last year. That’s a win that I will gladly take and will continue to build on.
The picture I’m sharing here is worth a thousand words to me. My daughter and I recently went to Sedona, AZ for some hiking and adventuring. I had her take a picture of me that I NEVER would have previously, let alone let anyone see! So here it is, sharing it proudly for all to see!
We all have scars. Though they all may not be as visible as this one of mine, they are just as real and impactful. I write this hoping that others may be inspired if they are having similar feelings about themselves.
I’m on a path to a better me, and I’m not stopping moving forward.